Unquestionable Goodness

This poem was written a couple of years ago, during a time when it felt like depression was taking over my life. I turned to bad habits to fill my emptiness, while begging God for joy. I’ve gone through a lot since then – therapy, counseling, highs and lows – and God has worked with me on my healing and breakthrough without ceasing. Today, I can joyfully say, I have come out of the deepest, darkest pit I’ve ever experienced. And it’s true – God’s goodness has no match and, most definitely, no end.

. . .

I feel inadequate

I feel lost

I am easily discouraged and exhausted by my own self-defeating thoughts

I am highly emotional

And in many ways unhealthy

I feel I am not worthy enough for God to use me

I eat lies like they are bread

Filling my stomach with emptiness

Always hungry

Never satisfied

One slice tells me I am not important enough

With every bite I believe I am unqualified

I spread anger on like butter

Fueling myself with hatred

The more I eat

The more empty I become

The more I eat

 

When will things start looking up?

I ask myself as I’m looking down

When will things start moving forward?

I’m running backwards now

When will healing come

Am I not worthy of your power, God?

I don’t want this bread anymore

But I won’t put it down

 

I have become friends with my sorrows

They fill me when I am empty

These tears have become more than weeping

They’ve become the place where I feel safety

I pray for joy

and I beg for healing

Jesus says his bread is that of life

But I’ve become familiar with the way my bread is tasting

 

These lies

They’re sickening

Moldy bread

Stop listening

To the voice telling you to feed yourself

With emptiness and self loathing

 

Our God

He is the everything

Life-giving, healing

Your problems

To him aren’t anything

That can’t be overcome by a meal with him

 

Let him feed you the truth of his promises

Let him fill you with the goodness of his love

There is no emptiness he cannot reach

Our God, he is enough

 

There are many things I do not know

Many things I question

But this I say with confidence: the Lord’s goodness is not one of them.

 

– Lydia Mattern

 

Photo by Andressa Voltolini on Unsplash