This poem was written a couple of years ago, during a time when it felt like depression was taking over my life. I turned to bad habits to fill my emptiness, while begging God for joy. I’ve gone through a lot since then – therapy, counseling, highs and lows – and God has worked with me on my healing and breakthrough without ceasing. Today, I can joyfully say, I have come out of the deepest, darkest pit I’ve ever experienced. And it’s true – God’s goodness has no match and, most definitely, no end.
. . .
I feel inadequate
I feel lost
I am easily discouraged and exhausted by my own self-defeating thoughts
I am highly emotional
And in many ways unhealthy
I feel I am not worthy enough for God to use me
I eat lies like they are bread
Filling my stomach with emptiness
One slice tells me I am not important enough
With every bite I believe I am unqualified
I spread anger on like butter
Fueling myself with hatred
The more I eat
The more empty I become
The more I eat
When will things start looking up?
I ask myself as I’m looking down
When will things start moving forward?
I’m running backwards now
When will healing come
Am I not worthy of your power, God?
I don’t want this bread anymore
But I won’t put it down
I have become friends with my sorrows
They fill me when I am empty
These tears have become more than weeping
They’ve become the place where I feel safety
I pray for joy
and I beg for healing
Jesus says his bread is that of life
But I’ve become familiar with the way my bread is tasting
To the voice telling you to feed yourself
With emptiness and self loathing
He is the everything
To him aren’t anything
That can’t be overcome by a meal with him
Let him feed you the truth of his promises
Let him fill you with the goodness of his love
There is no emptiness he cannot reach
Our God, he is enough
There are many things I do not know
Many things I question
But this I say with confidence: the Lord’s goodness is not one of them.
– Lydia Mattern