By If I asked you to make a list of the things you don’t want, would it be hard? Or would the ideas and words come pouring out of you? I know they would for me. I don’t want to be sad. I don’t want to live in a boring city. I don’t want to work my entire life and never spend time traveling. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to feel tired all of the time. I don’t want to eat avocado (I know, I’m one of the weird ones who doesn’t enjoy it.) But ask me what I do want, and that’s a different story. I don’t know what I want.
And when you don’t know what you want, you don’t pursue anything. And when you don’t pursue anything, nothing in your life changes. And if nothing changes, you’ll never live the life you want–whatever that may be for you.
If you constantly find yourself saying, “I don’t know what I want,” then it’s time to adjust your mindset and do some intentional thinking. It’s easy to get stuck in a pattern of focusing on the things you want to avoid–the bad, negative, or simply unappealing things. And while it’s good to know what you don’t want to experience in life, when you fixate on those things, they technically are in your life anyway. Does that make sense? Although it may take more time to truly discover your wants, focusing on them will bring more joy than not.
There’s Joy in Learning What You Want
I’ve experienced the joy that comes from knowing what you want. For a long time, I knew what I didn’t want for my career. I didn’t want to work in an office all day at a boring job where I didn’t get to use my skills and passions. But what did I want? I wasn’t sure. So, guess what? I stayed right where I was until I figured it out. Until I did the research to discover the opposite of what I didn’t want. “To work for myself” wasn’t enough. It needed to be specific and actionable. And as soon as it became both of those things, I found myself growing a content marketing business, working from home, and using my skills and passion for writing to help small businesses.
However, don’t think that just because I figured it out in one area, I’ve figured it out in all of them. I haven’t. And to be honest, I haven’t fully figured it out in my business yet. I’m closer, yes. But there are things within my business that I don’t want to experience, so I’m constantly on a journey to figuring out what I want and how to achieve it.
From “I Don’t Know What I Want” to “I Do”
Figuring out what you want is an adventure… a journey… sometimes, a treacherous, never-ending, no light at the end of the tunnel hike. If you’ve spent years focusing on everything you don’t want to experience, adjusting your mindset to focus on what you do takes time and, most importantly, practice. You need to train your brain to focus on the things you do want to experience.
When you find yourself saying or thinking, “I don’t know what I want,” pause and take a moment to choose one thing you do want. It can be small. You could want to eat Chick-fil-A for dinner (yes, please!). Whatever it is, shift your mindset, and identify something you do want.
If you find yourself saying or thinking something more specific like, “I don’t want to live in this town anymore.” Stop right there and ask yourself, “where do you want to live?” Do you want to live by an ocean? A lake? The mountains? In a big city? In California? South Carolina? Montana? Don’t let yourself off the hook when you think of all the things you don’t want. Keep yourself accountable to immediately flipping the narrative and adjusting your thought process.
Questions to Help You Discover What You Want
Whether physically, emotionally, financially, relationally, or some other type of “ally,” here are questions to ask to move from “I don’t know what I want” to “I do.”
Figuring out what you want is an adventure… a journey… sometimes, a treacherous, never-ending, no light at the end of the tunnel hike. If you’ve spent years focusing on everything you don’t want to experience, adjusting your mindset to focus on what you do takes time and, most importantly, practice. You need to train your brain to focus on the things you do want to experience.
What Do You Want to See?
When you look out the front door of your house, what do you want to see? When you’re driving to work, what do you want to see? When you’re traveling, what do you want to see? When you’re taking a walk around your neighborhood, what do you want to see? Knowing what you physically want to see with your eyes can bring clarity to things like where you want to live, places you want to travel, the type of job you want to work.
Here’s a great example. I could easily say, “When I open my front door, I don’t want to see any houses or cars.” Ok. But what do I want to see? “When I open my front door, I want to see trees and acres of grass and a couple of cutie little goats in my yard.” I can work with that. I can pursue that. I can find towns that have affordable properties and get myself some goat friends. What do you want to see? Kids playing in the streets? Towering cityscapes? The ocean? I wouldn’t mind seeing the ocean.
What Do You Want to Experience?
My guess is you don’t want to experience an hour-long commute in traffic or sitting around on the weekends with nothing to do. That’s easy to identify. What’s harder to identify is what you do want to experience. On the weekends, after working hard all week, what do you want to experience? When you’re at your job, what do you want to experience? When summer rolls around, what do you want to experience? Knowing what you want to experience can help you determine where to live, who to spend your time with, and how much money to make and save to make those dream experiences a reality.
For example, if you want to experience the thrills of traveling multiple times throughout the year, choose to live where there’s an airport nearby to make those experiences easier to have. If you want to experience concerts and comedy shows and ballet performances, spend time in a big city where those things occur more frequently. If you want to experience hiking in the peace and quiet of towering mountains, go to the mountains. Go where the things you want to experience are.
What Do You Want to Feel?
Knowing what you want to feel can clarify the types of relationships you want, how you spend your free time, how you make and spend money. After a long day of work, how do you want to feel? Accomplished? Successful? Energized? When spending time with friends, how do you want to feel? Encouraged? Accepted? Happy? During your free time, how do you want to feel? Relaxed? Peaceful? Productive? You are more in control of how you feel than you might realize. You aren’t a victim to your surroundings. Well, you might be right now, but you don’t have to be. You can choose to live a life and surround yourself with people and things that lead to the feelings you want to feel.
For example, I want to feel appreciated, loved, and accepted by friends. Because of my desire to feel this way, I actively pursue healthy friendships in my life. It’s not always easy or perfect or even successful, but I know what I want to feel, to experience, and to see, so I continue to pursue things that will make those things a reality in my life.
A Shift in Mindset Leads to a Shift in Life
When you begin to shift your thinking from “I don’t know what I want” to “I’m going to figure out what I want no matter how long it takes,” your life begins to change. Because once you know what you want, you can pursue it. And pursuing what you want is exciting and brings so much joy. I don’t know what I want in every aspect of my life. But I do know that to figure it out, I need to stop focusing on what I don’t want and actively decide and pursue. Are you with me?
