A Guide to Biblical Dating for the Woman Who Wants to Know How to Find a Godly Man
Are you looking for a fresh Christian perspective on dating? Perhaps you want answers to questions like “What does the Bible say about dating?” and “What does Biblical dating look like?” My goal in writing this is to offer Christian dating advice for young adults that you haven’t heard before – a new take on how to find a godly husband.
Everything you’re going to read about Biblical relationships and dating God revealed to me through my personal studies on how to be a good, godly wife. It was so eye-opening that I couldn’t keep these revelations to myself. I hope you find it insightful and helpful. Also, if you want to go deeper and receive more guidance on any of the topics you read about, I offer one-on-one coaching for women who want to date well. You can learn more here!
Biblical Dating in a Secular World
On March 23, 2023, I married the love of my life on a cliff overlooking the ocean. It was blissful – everything I ever wanted and more. God showed up in so many ways leading up to our wedding, from the venue opening up for the exact dates I wanted (after many failed attempts to book the venue over a year and a half) to the rain taking a break for the two hours we needed to get married and take pictures on the coast. It’s a day I wish I could relive time and time again.
I became a wife.
I had wanted to be a wife for a long time. I’ve always loved the thought of being 100% committed to another person and them to me. I also always assumed I’d be a great wife! But the truth is, it wasn’t until after I got married that I decided to read what the Bible says about being a good, godly wife.
While reading, I realized that while the desire to be a wife is a good one, many women (myself included) stop at the desire and don’t dig into the responsibility, especially while dating. We don’t dig into the seriousness of the commitment of marriage and consider it each time we date someone new.
When I began diving into scripture about God’s design for marriage, I realized how fortunate I am that God protected me while dating in ways I didn’t see at the time. I am beyond blessed with a husband who loves and seeks the Lord. But I didn’t always date guys like that. If, while dating, I had known the practical reality of God’s design for marriage, the truth about divorce, and the responsibility of being a good, godly wife, I would have made WAY different dating decisions.
Knowing what I know now, I am so grateful none of my past relationships led to marriage. The guys I was dating – and who I was with them – would never have translated into the life-long commitment God wants for His children in marriage. It made me realize that most of us ask the wrong questions and focus on the wrong things while dating. And the more I learn about God’s design for marriage, the more my eyes are opened to see why past relationships would not have led to a godly marriage.
It is essential to read and meditate on marriage scriptures while you’re single to ensure you’re dating people you want to uphold God’s design for marriage with.
But what does the Bible say about dating? That’s the challenging part. The Bible doesn’t say much about dating because… well, dating as we do it today wasn’t a thing in Biblical times.
In Biblical times, relationships and marriage were largely structured by cultural norms and religious customs. Marriages were often arranged by the families of the couple with the intent to form social, political, or economic alliances. Betrothal, a formal state of engagement, was considered as binding as marriage itself. Women were typically betrothed in their early teens to older men, and polygamy was accepted, particularly among the wealthy and powerful. Love, as we understand it today, was not necessarily the primary factor in these unions. And “dating” was all but obsolete.
Fast forward to today, and relationship “customs” have evolved dramatically, especially in the United States and other modern countries. Now, people choose their partners based on personal feelings of love and compatibility. Dating is the norm before committing to marriage. But even dating has evolved!
Dating has become way more casual. And we all know why… technology. Online dating sites and apps have changed the dating game, making it easier to meet new people, yes. But it also makes it harder (in my opinion) to take dating seriously. Hook-up culture has been facilitated by dating apps that allow users to connect with multiple potential partners quickly and easily, often with the understanding that the interactions may not lead to anything long-term.
Building relationships over DMs and text messages makes it easy to “ghost” people instead of communicating – disappearing as quickly as you appeared, leaving the other person confused and hurt. There is little sanctity in dating these days. While the institution of marriage remains important, its function and the expectations surrounding it have significantly changed over the centuries.
Here’s the thing: You should not expect to have a God-centered, God-blessed marriage if you date without God’s design for marriage in mind. Because dating is the modern way to choose a partner, it’s essential to date God’s way.
Now, you may be wondering how to know what “God’s way” is since the Bible doesn’t talk about dating.
No worries! That’s precisely what we’re going to dive into: Biblical dating. There are general guidelines in the Bible about how to treat people, which you can and should apply to your dating life. But how are you supposed to know how to date well – in a way that honors God – and choose a partner that’s right and good for you?
Date to marry by working backward.
Most of us don’t question how to be a good wife until we’re married. But the key to successfully dating to marry is reading what the Bible says about marriage. Being a good, godly wife and choosing a good, godly husband starts before you’re married.
It’s time to reconnect with God’s design for marriage and relationships and date backward, Biblically.
Are you ready?
Marriage as Christ and the Church
One of the most profound realizations I had when diving into what the Bible says about marriage is how God exemplifies His most precious relationship through the picture of marriage: His relationship with Christ and Christ’s relationship with us, the Church. (The “Church” here refers to the collective Church made up of all believers pursuing Jesus.)
The fact that scripture uses marriage imagery to present Christ and the Church shows how much God respects and values the marriage covenant.
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.”
Marriage isn’t a joke. It’s not something to be taken lightly. It’s not a covenant to enter into on a whim. It goes far beyond falling in love. It is to be taken seriously, honored by all, and regarded with great respect.
So, what does this have to do with dating? The Bible says to honor marriage, not dating, right? Well, consider this: The purpose of dating is to find someone to eventually marry. Therefore, if the end result (marriage) is to be taken seriously, doesn’t it make sense that the process that leads to marriage (dating) should be taken seriously, too?
That’s where so many of us get it wrong, myself included. I’ve always wanted a Christ-centered, godly marriage. So, answer me this: Why did I date guys who weren’t Christians? Why did I have relationships that weren’t Christ-centered? Did I think if that relationship eventually led to marriage, it would become holy at the flip of a switch?
The only answer I can come up with is that I wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t thinking that dating is the start of the marriage process and, to end the process in a godly marriage, I needed to start the process with godly dating. Of course, this doesn’t mean you can’t have fun while dating. It may mean you need to redefine what “fun” looks like. Our culture tells us “fun” is hooking up and having sex with anyone we find remotely attractive or interesting.
In the words of Joey from Friends, “You got pregnant for ‘funny?’ If he’s funny… laugh.”
Casual sexual relations aren’t the answer to a fun dating experience. And they’re definitely not the answer to a godly dating experience.
So, how can you take dating seriously while still enjoying yourself and not scaring off every guy you meet because you’re too focused on marriage?
- Set Boundaries: Boundaries in Christian dating don’t keep the fun out; they define what “fun” means to you and protect you and others while dating. Creating boundaries around what you define as fun (and sticking to them) will ensure you feel comfortable while dating.
- Do you go to someone’s house alone on the first date?
- Do you date multiple people at once?
- Do you share about your relationship on social media? If so, how much and when?
- Communicate Intentions: Being honest about your intentions while dating and asking someone about theirs is essential to an enjoyable dating experience. Mixed-matched intentions are a recipe for heartbreak. If you go on a first date wanting to truly get to know someone and they truly just want to sleep with you that night, it’s not a good match. Knowing that as early on in the dating process as possible will ensure you only spend your time and energy on people with similar intentions as you.
- Trust God: God knows who you’re going to marry. He knows when you’ll meet the guy, how long you’ll date, where he’ll propose, the day you’ll get married. He knows it all. So, if you give every worry, doubt, fear, and date to Him every time, you can relax while dating, knowing He’s not just involved but actually orchestrating the whole thing. By staying connected with God through prayer and actively following His will for your dating experience, you’ll have way more fun and way less stress, fear, and heartbreak.
Remember, God’s perfect design is for marriage to be taken seriously. Therefore, we can conclude that He wants us to take dating seriously, too. It’s what leads to marriage, after all.
Equality and Submission in Marriage
When you get married, two become one.
“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”
There’s only one head on a body.
“But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.”
Just as God is the head of Christ, but they are equal, a husband is the head of his household/wife, but they are equal.
“Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”
The above passage is controversial among women who don’t like the idea of “submitting” to a husband. The word “submit” comes with numerous connotations: to give in, back down, play by the rules, and even suffer under the superior authority and will of another person – in this case, your husband.
But whether you like it or not, submission is part of God’s design for marriage (His perfect design). The problem is that so many women isolate those verses and justify their anger when the scripture right before it says, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21).
Obedience to God’s design for marriage is submission. Equal submission. It’s God’s design, so it’s perfect, even if we don’t fully understand or agree. Although equal, the roles of a husband and a wife are different. Therefore, how a husband submits to his wife will look different from how a wife submits to her husband.
What does it look like to submit to your husband?
- Selflessness
- Service
- Accountability
- Respect
- Love
- Submitting to husband’s will when opinions differ
- Active listening
- Undivided attention
- Genuine interest
- Ask for his opinion (and don’t get upset when it differs from yours)
“However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”
What does it look like to respect your husband?
- Praise in front of others
- Show respect for who he is, not what he does
- Respect = trust
- Respect = belief he can do hard things
- Respect = leadership
- Respect = confidence (even at low points)
- Respect = gratitude
- Respect is an unearned gift
- Avoid “I told you so” after a poor decision
- Affirm his efforts to be a spiritual leader
- Tell him the positive; tell God the negative
Understanding what it means to submit to and respect your husband before you have a husband is so important. It is essential, vital, crucial, and absolutely necessary to marry a man you respect and want to submit to – whose opinion, advice, and leadership you trust and want to follow.
When you understand God’s design for marriage, you realize it is imperative to pick the right person.
Neither a body nor a family can function well with two heads. One person has to submit to the other’s leadership, and the Bible makes it clear that the leader of a household is the man. The final decisions rest with him. Now, if you’re reading this, and it terrifies you to think about letting the final decisions rest with your future husband, my guess is you aren’t a) dating people you trust and/or b) dating people who follow God.
I have no issue with the final decisions resting with my husband because I trust that his decisions rest with God. Remember, scripture says that God’s perfect design for marriage is that the wife is submitted to her husband, and her husband is submitted to Christ.
This doesn’t mean I’m not involved in the decision-making process. This doesn’t mean my opinions aren’t considered or valued. It’s quite the opposite. I am fully heard and considered, and my husband and I make most of our decisions together. But when push comes to shove, it’s his leadership I defer to, and I trust it because I know he trusts and follows God.
This is why it’s essential to marry someone who is actively and diligently pursuing a relationship with God. The person you marry (therefore, the people you date) should be fully submitted to God in every action, word, and deed. Not perfect, because nobody is, but committed to God.
Now, how do you find out if the people you date are committed? Ask yourself the right questions. Ask yourself the important questions. Compatibility, attraction, similar life goals – these things are important. But there are other vital questions you must answer honestly if you want to date for marriage.
Here are some questions to ask yourself about the person you’re dating:
- Do I trust his opinions?
- Do I agree with his way of thinking?
- Am I confident in his decision-making skills?
- Do I like his outcomes, solutions, advice, and results?
- Do I want to be spiritually led by him?
- Am I willing to sacrifice my desires for his?
- Can I look past his shortcomings forever?
As you date or pursue a relationship with someone, there are things you can do to see if he’s someone you want to marry (i.e., someone you want to respect and submit to for the rest of your life).
- Ask for advice on multiple things. Do you like his advice? Is it sound? Wise? Biblical? Will you take it, and do you trust it?
- Ask about his vision for the future. Does it align with yours? If not, are you willing to sacrifice your ideas to follow his leadership?
- Observe how he leads himself spiritually. Would you comfortably follow that leadership? Prayer. Bible. Church. Right living. Behaviors. Habits. Actions. Word. Do you confidently and comfortably stand behind them? Would you want to be known for them?
- Ask him to walk you through his decision-making process. What drives him, motivates him, and guides him? Is it God? God’s will? What the Bible says? Or is it self-driven or inspired by society or worldly standards? Do you trust his decision-making abilities to make decisions for your life?
These are big questions and some of the most important ones if you want a marriage rooted in God’s perfect design. In my opinion, it’s not enough to be willing to submit to and respect your future husband. You should want to because you’re so confident in who he is and who he follows that submitting to him and respecting him is your joy, not just your obligation. I encourage you not to settle for anything less than that.
Is Divorce an Option?
I’m sure if I looked at the news right now, I’d read about another celebrity couple getting divorced as if it’s no big deal. They just “grew apart,” right? Hate to break it to you, but “growing apart” is not a Biblically legitimate reason to get a divorce.
We just learned how seriously God takes the marriage covenant – so seriously that it’s used to represent Christ’s never-ending, ever-enduring commitment to us: His Church, His children. Therefore, we need to take marriage just as seriously, which includes understanding that divorce is rarely an option.
In the Bible, Jesus makes it quite clear that there are only two permissible reasons for divorce:
- Sexual immorality
- An unbelieving spouse leaving the marriage
Jesus also makes it clear that there are only two permissible reasons for remarrying:
- Divorce due to sexual immorality
- The death of one’s husband or wife
Now, I’m going to give some scriptures that highlight and support this, and I encourage you to really read them. I know you’ve probably heard a thousand times that “Christians aren’t supposed to get divorced,” and “divorce is bad,” and “God hates divorce.” It’s one of those things that we’ve heard so many times we just glance over it.
But it’s a huge deal, especially as you’re dating and choosing someone to marry.
God designed marriage to be forever, with very few exceptions.
This is one of the reasons it is essential to “get it right” the first time. To make sure the person you commit your life to is someone that (as far as you can tell) you want to commit to until death due you part.
“Jesus then left that place and went into the region of Judea and across the Jordan. Again crowds of people came to him, and as was his custom, he taught them. Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, ‘Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?’ ‘What did Moses command you?’ he replied. They said, ‘Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.’ ‘It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,’ Jesus replied. ‘But at the beginning of creation God “made them male and female.” “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.’ When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this. He answered, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.’”
“‘The man who hates and divorces his wife,’ says the Lord, the God of Israel, ‘does violence to the one he should protect,’ says the Lord Almighty.”
“‘It has been said, “Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.” But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.’”
“Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, ‘Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?’ ‘Haven’t you read,’ he replied, ‘that at the beginning the Creator “made them male and female,” and said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh”? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.’ ‘Why then,’ they asked, ‘did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?’ Jesus replied, ‘Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.’”
“For example, by law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law that binds her to him. So then, if she has sexual relations with another man while her husband is still alive, she is called an adulteress. But if her husband dies, she is released from that law and is not an adulteress if she marries another man.”
“A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.”
“To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?”
When you get married, you are committing to forever. It’s right there in the vows: “in sickness and health,” “for richer and for poorer,” “until death do us part.” These are phrases that mean no matter what.
My mom – a God-believing, Bible-following woman – divorced my dad when I was nine years old. And I can justify the heck out of why she did it. He quite literally threatened her life and my sister and me multiple times. He was mentally ill and on drugs with no desire to change or get help. It was a dangerous situation, and I’m grateful she took us and left.
I don’t know every detail – and my mom passed away in 2018, so I can’t ask her. I don’t know if there was infidelity (a Biblical-permissible reason for divorce), but I do know this: There were red flags when they were dating. Again, I don’t know the details, but my mom mentioned she felt “pressure” to get married sooner rather than later because she was getting older and wanted children. And although my dad was a Christian and attended church, there was drug use in his past and mental health issues in his family.
While she never could have predicted he’d experience what the doctors called a “drug-induced psychosis” and go certifiably insane, there were signs. There were red flags.
God is a God of grace and mercy. He knows our condition – that we are only human. Jesus lived on earth and was tempted in every way we are. There is no situation with which He can’t empathize.
My mom’s marriage went nothing like she’d hoped or planned. Even with the red flags, my dad was a good father and husband for many years. When he “snapped” and his mental health tanked, the illness overtook him and put us in danger. Like I said, she couldn’t have predicted that and did what she thought was best to protect us. Was it Biblically permissible for her to get a divorce? Like I said, I don’t know the details, so I’m not sure.
I do know there is grace, forgiveness, and hope for people who find themselves in unbelievably hard situations. What I’m trying to say is, even if you do it “right” and marry someone you honestly believe is the right person for you – the person you want to spend your life with – you can’t predict the future. Something unimaginable might happen. That’s life.
But you can do everything in your power now to choose someone you’re committed to staying committed to forever. You can do your absolute best to date with wisdom and discernment. You can know that (except for a few circumstances) divorce is not an option. Knowing that, you can slow down. Think twice (or ten times) about the commitment you’re about to make before you make it. You can take red flags seriously. You can pray diligently about every person you “talk” to or date.
God doesn’t want you to get divorced. He wants you to experience the unconditional love and commitment of a marriage. It’s a beautiful thing, and He wants the absolute best for you. Remember that while you’re dating. Remember that when you see red flags that don’t get resolved.
It is not worth moving forward with a relationship you’re not 100% sure about just to avoid being alone or marrying older. It is not worth compromising and getting yourself into a situation where divorce is on the table.
How to Be a “Good Thing”
Dating with wisdom is important. Ensuring the person you marry is the right person is essential. But it is just as essential to be the right person, too.
A good wife is a gift to her husband.
“A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.”
“Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the Lord.”
“He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.”
So, how do you be a “good” wife? And how do you prepare yourself now before you’re a wife?
To be a “good thing” from the Lord, you have to be walking with the Lord.
What does a godly wife do that makes her a “good thing?”
I found the following list on Southern Productions. It gives ways to communicate respect to your husband and highlights elements of wifehood that are essential when it comes to honoring, respecting, and submitting to your husband as the Bible calls you to do.
To be a good, godly wife…
- Choose joy
- Honor his wishes
- Give him your undivided attention
- Don’t interrupt
- Emphasize his good points
- Pray for him
- Don’t nag
- Be thankful
- Smile at him
- Respond physically
- Eyes only for him
- Kiss him goodbye
- Prepare his favorite foods
- Cherish togetherness
- Don’t complain
- Resist the urge to correct
- Dress to please him
- Keep the house tidy
- Be content
- Take his advice
- Admire him
- Protect his name
- Forgive his shortcomings
- Don’t argue
- Follow his lead
Being a good, godly wife is a big role and responsibility. It is not passive. It takes heaps of wisdom, patience, and humility.
However, you’re not alone in your marriage. A marriage is most successful when both people are fulfilling their roles Biblically. If you marry a good, godly husband, he’ll also have his list of 25 ways to love and serve you. The Bible doesn’t let men off the hook. There are countless scriptures urging husbands to love their wives – and we know that love requires kindness, patience, self-control, selflessness, forgiveness, and protection.
“Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”
“Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.”
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
“However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”
A marriage is not 50/50. It’s each person giving 100% in the roles required of them: husbands to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands.
I feel very fortunate and grateful that God worked in my husband’s heart to become the man and spiritual leader I want to respect and follow. I am also now soberly aware of how careful I should have been when choosing people to date and try to build a future with. It would be much harder to put the above list into action with someone I didn’t respect, trust, or want to serve above myself.
Love is not enough, and that’s okay. It takes intentional action every day to build, sustain, and grow a Christ-centered marriage. It will be much harder to be the type of wife God calls you to be if you’re struggling emotionally, physically, or spiritually.
If you’re not your best self, in your best health, it will affect your marriage. When you get married, two become one. Your emotional, physical, and spiritual health state will impact your husband. Right now, when you’re single, is the best time to prepare your heart, mind, and spirit to be a good, godly wife. Once you’re married, you’re caring for two people: yourself and your spouse, but your spouse above yourself.
If you’re not embodying the “good things” of a godly wife now, on your own, a flip won’t magically switch once you get married. It takes action, practice, and diligence to become the woman of God you are called to be now so that you can be the crown of your husband once you’re married.
“A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.”
Being a wife is a huge responsibility and privilege. Supporting and loving someone how God designed is not easy. But it’s worth it to be the crown of my husband.
A Wife of Noble Character
A prudent wife was once a prudent single woman.
“Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the LORD.”
To be prudent means to act with or show care and thought for the future. Someone who is prudent is practically wise; they avoid rash behavior or speech. They manage their talents and resources well.
(Quick question: Why would a wife need to be prudent if she wasn’t an equally important part of the marriage/husband-wife relationship? We only need wisdom if we’re making important decisions and doing important things. Just a thought if you’re still struggling with submission in a marriage.)
A prudent wife is from the Lord. That means we must be sure to be with the Lord if we want to be from Him for our husbands.
“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.”
Fear – or reverence – of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, which is prudence.
The fact that prudence (wisdom) is a telling characteristic of a good, godly wife is so exciting to me. We see the reason for this in Proverbs 31:10-31: Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character.
This passage has long been thought of as a “guidebook” of how to be the perfect wife. And many women, myself included, always felt they fell short. For example, the wife we’re about to read about gets up while it’s still dark. I like to sleep in. Because of this, I already fall short if we view it as a step-by-step rulebook to follow.
But that’s not what it is.
Proverbs 31 is “an idealized version of womanhood, not a job description.” The wife’s actions reflect characteristics, not actions to be repeated as-is.
Let’s dive in, and you’ll see what I mean.
Proverbs 31:10-12
“A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.”
To be noble means to have or show fine personal qualities or high moral principles and ideals.
In the Bible, the Hebrew word for noble is hayil or chayil, which means to be valiant, brave, courageous, or capable. It’s connected to influence and wisdom. When you are noble, it results in certain actions naturally, and it’s only possible with God. Before you’re a wife of noble character, you have to be a woman of noble character.
Your character is your mental and moral qualities. It has nothing to do with your appearance, wealth, job, or direct actions. Your character and morals inform how you show up, what you do, how you treat people, and where you spend your time and money.
You’ll notice in the following passages that the wife’s actions aren’t a result of being a super awesome woman on her own. They are a result of her character. And you can begin working on your character now to be a good, godly woman who is well prepared when it comes time to be a good, godly wife.
Proverbs 31:13-15
“She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants.”
While I could spend time breaking down each of these actions and trying to apply them to today, that wouldn’t make much sense. I don’t know about you, but I haven’t found myself in a position where I needed to select wool and flax recently (or ever). I also don’t have servants who need food. So, what can we take away from this passage?
Remember, these passages aren’t meant to be taken literally; they’re not just about homemaking. We must look at what’s being told about this wife’s character.
- She “works with eager hands.”
- So we should work hard at whatever God has tasked us with and do it with willing hands (without grumbling).
- She “brings her food from afar,” “gets up while it is still night,” and “provides.”
- So we shouldn’t be lazy but diligent in providing for ourselves and others.
Again, these are character concepts, not rules or requirements; i.e., you can sleep in; that’s not the point.
Proverbs 31:16-19
“She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.”
The wife in this passage is an entrepreneur; she has a business idea and works to bring it to fruition. Does this mean you need to own a business to be a good, godly wife? No! Let’s look at some of the characteristics of entrepreneurs:
- Creative
- Disciplined
- Decision-making
- Prudent
- Opportunistic
- Financially wise/prudent
A good, godly wife “considers” the outcome of something before taking action. Rather than making rash decisions, we should go into everything thoughtfully and prayerfully.
Proverbs 31:20
“She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.”
All Christians are called to help the poor. It’s right there in the scriptures. But to apply this verse beyond a literal application, we must look at what it takes to give. A good, godly wife is empathic, generous, selfless, and caring. Remember, character has nothing to do with status, appearance, weight, job description, etc. It has everything to do with your heart posture.
Proverbs 31:21-24
“When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments for sells them, and supplies the merchant with sashes.”
Remember, when you get married, two become one. The wife in these scriptures takes care of and provides for her family using the talents she was given. Even before you’re married, you can be the type of woman who takes care of those she loves. Your friends, family, acquaintances, and neighbors – these are all people who can benefit from you using the gifts and talents God gave you to bless others.
Then, when you become a wife, you can continue using your gifts in partnership with your husband. You can be a part of the reason your husband experiences success and respectability. Again, in a marriage, two become one. Therefore, one’s behavior impacts the other. How you treat and take care of your husband will directly correlate to how he can show up in the areas God has called him.
Proverbs 31:25-31
“She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: ‘Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.’ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.”
Let’s break this down:
- A good, godly wife is free of anxiety and worry – so as a single woman, learn how to cast your cares on the Lord.
- A good, godly wife is wise and shares wisdom with others – so as a single woman, consider your actions carefully so that others can see you as prudent.
- A good, godly wife actively cares for her family – so as a single woman, care for the people in your life; get really good at putting others first so when you get married, it’s already part of your being to serve your husband well.
The most important thing to remember when reading about this amazing wife is all of the things she does are made possible not by her own strength but because she is a woman who fears the Lord. She lives her life in reverent submission, working to honor the Lord in all she does.
Our “right”ness is never from our own strength. Our ability to be a good, godly wife isn’t something we can conjure up on our own. It is a direct result of submitting to Christ daily and becoming more like Him. The more we become like Jesus, the more we become a “good thing” from the Lord.
Love Before You Love
The first time someone says “I love you” in a dating relationship is a big deal. It’s a different kind of love than what the Bible talks about when it says to love each other.
But I would argue that the love discussed in the Bible is more important in dating relationships than the “I love you” that comes with time because the love of the Bible should be instant – upon first meeting someone.
“God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.”
“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
Biblical love has nothing to do with feelings of love. It is a choice. The Bible tells us to love our enemies (Matthew 5:44). It doesn’t say you must think your enemies are attractive and worthy of your love. It doesn’t say to wait until you feel like you love them to love them. It just says to love them.
When you love someone, you treat them with respect. You consider their feelings. You do things to bring them happiness, not pain. But when we reserve any and all love for a serious, committed relationship, we tend to treat people poorly while dating.
It’s easy to think about loving your future husband, right? Because you imagine yourself feeling in love with them. But let me tell you from experience: you won’t always feel that way. There will be days you feel like you want to punch them in the face. So, while you’re single and dating, practicing Biblical love with everyone is essential. Everyone you meet. Everyone you date. Everyone you break up with and get broken up by.
I’m not proud to admit that I never left someone I dated better than I found them. And never once did someone leave me better after a breakup. We all just break each other’s hearts and cause pain, hurt, and sadness. But I genuinely believe it doesn’t have to be that way. I believe you can leave someone better than before, even if you decide you no longer want to date them.
It starts by loving everyone with Biblical love, before, during, and after we have feelings of love toward them. Loving the way God calls us to love will never fail. It is always the right choice and the best option, regardless of circumstances or our feelings.
13 ways to love while dating that will never fail:
- Be patient
- Be kind
- Be supportive
- Be humble
- Be respectful
- Be self-less
- Be self-controlled
- Forgive
- Live upright
- Protect them physically and emotionally
- Trust and be trustworthy
- Hope in God
- Don’t give up on Biblical love
It takes a lot of patience… wisdom… empathy… God in you to love people all the time, even when they hurt you, annoy you, or break your heart. But it is really good practice for when you’re married.
Because being married means…
- Being patient even when you’re annoyed
- Being kind even when your husband isn’t being kind to you
- Being supportive even when you don’t agree
- Being humble even when you think you’re right
- Being respectful even when you feel disrespected
- Being selfless even when you feel you should be put first
- Being self-controlled even when you’re spittin’ mad
- Forgiving even when you’re still hurting
- Living righteously even when you want to rebel
- Protecting your husband physically and emotionally even when they don’t accept it
- Trusting and being trustworthy even when there’s been distrust in the past
- Hoping in God even when everything seems to be falling apart
- Persevering as long as you both shall live…
It’s not easy, but it’s easier when you come into a marriage prepared. When you’ve practiced Biblical love with every person you get to know, date, and break up with until you meet your future spouse, you will be well-equipped to love your husband well through all the challenging times that will come your way.
Biblical Dating Starts with You
Why would you leave God out of the process if you want a godly husband, a faith-centered marriage, and a life-long love story? God is love! His design for marriage is perfect, and dating with that in mind is how to date Biblically.
Reading “wife scriptures” before becoming a wife is the wise thing to do. However, it doesn’t end there. You must take action to become a good, godly woman now to be a good, godly wife when the time comes. You can’t be a good thing from the Lord unless you’re walking with the Lord. To have a godly relationship with your partner, you need to be in a thriving relationship with God. And if you want to love someone well, you first need to love yourself. You can’t love others as yourself if you hate who you are.
These are big, important concepts to dive into – they go beyond Biblical dating and dive deep into questions about yourself, your priorities, and your well-being (physically, spiritually, and emotionally).
When it comes to how to find a godly husband, the first and most essential step is to get your relationship right with God. Then, you have to get your relationship right with yourself. Only then will you be able to date Biblically – with wisdom and discernment, always keeping God’s perfect design for marriage at the forefront of your mind.
If it feels like a lot, that’s because it is. And if it feels like going about dating more casually would be easier, that’s because it would be. But it also won’t yield the same results.
If you’re serious about wanting to find a godly husband, it all starts with you.
And if you’re serious about getting the “you” part right, I’d love to work together as your Christian dating coach, guiding you on this journey of finding your forever person.
What does working with a Christian dating coach look like?
Drawing from Biblical principles and modern relationship insights, we’ll explore how to navigate the dating world in a way that honors both your personal desires and God’s plan for your life. My comprehensive approach starts with a deep dive into your relationship with God and extends to how you view and value yourself.
We’ll tackle any questions, fears, or misconceptions you might have about dating as a Christian, providing you with practical tools to make the best dating decisions your future self will thank you for.
Are you tired of casually dating and ready to move into the realm of Biblical dating?
Are you ready to stop dating guys who don’t align with your hopes for a future marriage?
Are you ready to step into your fullness as a woman of God so you can be the wife God calls you to be when the time comes?
If you’re on the other side of this screen shouting “YES!” then it’s time for us to chat. Send me your name and email address via the form below, and I’ll be in touch to schedule a time to hop on a free call to chat more about Christian dating coaching!