Before we dive headfirst into the topic of Christianity and abstinence, it’s important we’re clear on some things. First, I had sex before marriage. So, I am in absolutely no way judging you. I don’t think I’m better than you or more “holy” because I stopped having premarital sex as a Christian. I made plenty of sinful choices in my past. Second (and I’ll dive deeper into this in a bit), you are never too far “gone” for God’s grace to reach you. If you want to stop living in sexual sin, you can.
What Is Premarital Sex?
From a Christian perspective, premarital sex means engaging in intercourse and any form of sexual interaction before marriage. Saving yourself for marriage is an absence of certain sexual actions. However, it’s also a presence of a close, obedient relationship with God. This concept is deeply rooted in the belief in purity. It’s not so much splitting hairs over what counts as “sex” and what doesn’t. Instead, it’s about saving all aspects of yourself for the sacred union of marriage.
What Does the Bible Say About Premarital Sex as a Christian?
People trying to justify sin might argue that the Bible doesn’t specifically mention or condemn sex outside of marriage. However, there are many scriptures that highlight the importance of sexual purity in relationships.
The most common sex outside of marriage Bible verse in support of Christianity and abstinence is 1 Corinthians 6:18. In it, Paul states, “Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.”
Another highly quoted sex outside of marriage Bible verse is just a chapter later in 1 Corinthians 7. Most of that chapter discusses principles for marriage, which touch on how sexual relations should be between a man and his wife.
Finally, Hebrews 13:4 says, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”
So, while there is not a direct statement saying, “Don’t have sex before marriage,” all the principles of purity are there. It’s clear that the Bible promotes sexual purity and views sex as an act to be reserved for the sanctity of marriage. This perspective is woven throughout scripture, with many passages highlighting the importance of keeping sexual relations within the marital covenant.
The emphasis on purity, fidelity, and honoring marriage reflects a broader biblical principle of living in a way that respects both our own bodies and the divine institution of marriage. The Bible encourages us to pursue a path of righteousness, upholding the value of marriage and the special place sexual intimacy holds within it.
What Are the Disadvantages of Having Sex Before Marriage?
Choosing to wait until marriage to explore a sexual relationship is all about honoring yourself and God, holding off until that commitment in marriage to fully experience and express your sexuality. While the main reason not to have premarital sex as a Christian is because the Bible says so, there are tangible disadvantages as well.
The negative effects of premarital sex aren’t just spiritual — they’re emotional and physical, too.
- Increased risk of emotional distress: Engaging in sex before marriage can lead to feelings of guilt, anxiety, and emotional confusion, especially if it goes against your personal beliefs or religious convictions.
- Higher likelihood of relationship issues: Premarital sex may complicate relationships, leading to trust issues, jealousy, and unrealistic expectations that can strain or even end a relationship prematurely.
- Risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs): Unprotected premarital sex increases the risk of contracting STIs, some of which can have lifelong health effects.
- Potential for unplanned pregnancies: Premarital sex, with or without contraception, can result in unplanned pregnancies, which carry their own set of challenges, including financial stress, disruption of personal goals, and societal judgment.
- Impact on future relationships: Past sexual experiences can sometimes cast a shadow on future relationships, bringing in insecurities or comparisons that may hinder the development of a healthy bond.
- Loss of the special bond created by waiting: There’s something unique about sharing the intimacy of sex for the first time within a committed marital relationship. Premarital sex may diminish the sense of special exclusivity meant for marriage.
Premarital Sex Bonds You to the Wrong People
One of the most fascinating things I learned about sex (that’s a benefit for marriage but one of the negative effects of premarital sex) is how our bodies react during sexual activity. When you have sex, a symphony of hormones is released, playing a crucial role in enhancing emotional and physical intimacy between partners. Among these, oxytocin stands out as a key “bonding hormone.” It’s produced in the hypothalamus and released during moments of closeness, such as sex, fostering a deep sense of connection and trust.
Women, in particular, are more sensitive to oxytocin’s effects. It creates a “super glue” effect that cements the emotional and physical bonds formed during intimate moments.
I think this is so beautiful: God designed our bodies to release hormones during sex that strengthen our bond with our spouse. I wholeheartedly believe this perfect design is for marriage only — to be experienced with the person we are in a life-long commitment with. Why would you want to bond yourself to someone you don’t see a future with, anyway?
To be honest, I didn’t know this when I had sex before marriage. Sure, I knew I wasn’t supposed to as a Christian, and that should have been enough. But understanding the biological reasons behind abstinence just added another layer of conviction to my beliefs and the choices I wish I had made earlier on.
4 Reasons To Stop Having Premarital Sex as a Christian (Based on Experience)
My experience of the benefits of waiting for sex until marriage is personal. After dating for about three years — and having sex during that time — my boyfriend (at the time) and I decided to stop. I was convicted by something he said about how it’s hard to have a relationship with God when you’re actively sinning.
Stopping after we had already experienced sex together wasn’t easy. There were physical temptations, as well as a period of adjusting to our “new” relationship. Without sex, how were we more than just good friends? How would we deepen our connection and intimacy? These are questions we asked that worked themselves out as the benefits of not having premarital sex began to show themselves.
- We became best friends — our relationship reached a new level of comfort, trust, and connection. We talked more, learned more about each other, and found new ways to have fun together.
- We became more affectionate — we found new ways to build intimacy and show love. Getting creative and leaning into each other’s love languages made it fun to find ways to be affectionate without sex.
- We no longer felt shame in our relationship with God — going to church, praying, and reading our Bible felt honoring. We were no longer living in active sexual sin, which strengthened our relationship with God because we were walking in obedience.
- We solidified our desire to get married — our relationship became better and stronger, and we got married four years later. On our wedding night, we had unshameful sex for the first time, which was incredibly special and rewarding.
Choosing to stop having sex and wait for marriage not only strengthened our relationship and deepened our connection but also honored our faith, setting a solid foundation for a fulfilling marriage.
Can I Have Sex With My Boyfriend If I Know We’re Going to Get Married?
My opinion? You’re not married until you’re married. You’re not married when you realize they’re “the one.” You’re not married when you get engaged. You’re not married the night before your wedding.
The truth is, you don’t know what’s going to happen. I had a friend in college who used this reasoning. She said she knew she was going to marry her boyfriend, so it was okay for them to have sex. Spoiler alert: she did not marry said boyfriend. I’ll say it again: you’re not married until you’re married.
Will God Forgive Me If I Had Sex Before Marriage?
Yes! God’s grace and forgiveness extend to every area of your life, including your relationship decisions. All you have to do is repent. Start with a simple prayer like this:
God, I am so sorry that I went against your Word and had sex before marriage. I know that is not your design for relationships. I repent and am sorry for my actions. Thank you for your unending grace and mercy toward me. I humbly ask for your wisdom, self-control, and strength to uphold purity in my future relationships, committing to wait until marriage before sharing such an intimate part of myself again. Thank you for your guidance and love that leads me back to the path you’ve set for me. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
What Do I Do If I Had Sex Before Marriage?
Repent. Change your ways. Be honest with your partner. Walk in grace, not shame.
- Repent: Acknowledge your actions before God, asking for forgiveness with a sincere heart. This is the first step in realigning your life with His teachings and design for relationships.
- Change Your Ways: After repentance, it’s crucial to commit to a new path that honors God’s vision for purity and love, demonstrating your genuine desire to follow His guidance.
Be Honest With Your Partner: Open communication is key. If you’re still dating someone you’re used to having sex with, discuss your feelings, commitments, and expectations moving forward to ensure you’re aligned in your relationship goals and values. If you’re planning to date someone new, be upfront about your decision not to have sex before marriage and outline the boundaries of how far you’re willing to go physically. - Walk In Grace, Not Shame: Remember that God’s love and forgiveness are abundant. Instead of dwelling on past mistakes, accept His grace fully and move forward with confidence in His redemption.
Having sex before marriage is not an unforgivable sin. You can, at any point, decide to repent and stop. When you do, God will meet you and bless you in your decision to obey Him and honor His perfect design for relationships.
Christianity and Abstinence: Choosing the Path That Honors God’s Design for Relationships
When it comes to Biblical dating, abstaining from premarital sex as a Christian is only a part of it. It’s also about understanding God’s design for relationships, dating with intention, and preparing yourself for marriage (it’s never too early!).
As you continue to explore what it means to date in a way that honors both yourself and God, remember that each step taken in faith opens the door to deeper understanding and fulfillment. If you want to learn more, check out my Guide to Biblical Dating to uncover what it means to date to marry the Christ-like way in a secular world.
