If you’re wondering how to stop having sex in a relationship before you’re married, you’re in the right place. My husband and I stopped having sex before marriage for four years before we tied the knot. We’d been together sexually at the beginning of our relationship. But three years in, we decided to make a change to honor God and each other. And let me tell you … it was one of the best decisions we could have ever made for our relationship!
As Christians, we’re told not to have sex before marriage, but we’re never really told why. And because sex is such a hush-hush topic in the church, it can be hard to find a safe space to have an open, honest conversation about it. If you want to stop having sex until marriage, let’s talk about it — with zero judgment or condemnation.
FAQs About Saving Yourself For Marriage
I know talking about sex can feel uncomfortable, but you’re not alone. Your questions about being abstinent in a relationship are welcome here. I’ll answer some of the most common questions about saving yourself for marriage, but if you have a question I don’t answer, please feel free to reach out to me to ask!
Does God Want Us To Abstain From Sex?
The Church isn’t wrong when they say we shouldn’t have sex before marriage “because God says so.” It’s very clear throughout the scriptures that God’s desire is for us to remain sexually pure until we’re married. A few scriptures that highlight this are …
“For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God.”
This passage emphasizes God’s desire for believers to live a life of sanctification, which includes abstaining from sexual immorality. It highlights the importance of self-control and living in a way that honors God, contrasting with those who don’t follow His teachings.
“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”
This verse highlights the sanctity of marriage and the importance of keeping the marriage bed pure. It serves as a warning that God will judge those who engage in sexual immorality, reinforcing the value of sexual purity within the context of marriage.
“Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.”
This passage calls believers to flee from sexual immorality, highlighting that such sins are against one’s own body. It reminds Christians that their bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, urging us to honor God with our bodies as a reflection of our faith and redemption.
So, yes — God does want us to stop having sex before marriage. We honor Him when we remain pure.
What Is It Called When You Stop Having Sex For God?
When you stop having sex for God, it’s often called abstinence or celibacy, depending on the context. Abstinence is when you choose to refrain from sex, usually until marriage, as a way to honor God and follow biblical teachings. Celibacy, on the other hand, is a lifelong commitment to remain single and sexually pure, often for a deeper devotion to God’s work.
What Are the Spiritual Benefits of Avoiding Sex?
We know that we’re supposed to save ourselves for marriage “because God says so.” But why does He say so? Why does it matter? These are the important questions that often don’t get asked when having the “purity conversation.” It’s really important to understand why God designed relationships the way He did. Remember, God wants the absolute best for us, His children. He is good, and all His ways are perfect. So that means that — as hard or as boring as it is — saving yourself for marriage is also good and the perfect way to do relationships.
Here are some of the spiritual benefits we get to experience when being abstinent in a relationship:
- Strengthened Relationship With God: Practicing abstinence helps you focus on growing closer to God and aligning your life with His will instead of being driven by physical desires.
- Obedience to God’s Word: It’s a way to honor God by following His teachings, which builds trust in His plans for your life and relationships.
- Cultivation of Self-Control: Abstinence develops discipline and self-control, which are important fruits of the Spirit and help you grow in character.
- Clearer Spiritual Discernment: By removing physical temptations, you can make sound decisions based on faith and spiritual clarity rather than emotions.
- Purity in Worship: Keeping your body and spirit pure allows you to worship God wholeheartedly, knowing you are living according to His design.
- Deeper Emotional Connection: Without the distractions of physical intimacy, you can focus on building a relationship grounded in emotional, spiritual, and intellectual compatibility.
- Trust in God’s Timing: Abstinence teaches patience and faith in God’s perfect plan, reminding you that His gifts come in His time.
- Alignment With God’s Purpose: By practicing sexual purity, you align yourself with God’s original intentions for marriage and relationships.
See! All good things! God doesn’t want us to stop having sex before marriage to punish us but to allow us to experience the fullness of His design for love, intimacy, and relationships.
What Happens When You Stop Having Sex Before Marriage?
When you decide to stop having sex before marriage, especially if it’s something that was already part of your relationship, things will definitely change. And yeah, it might feel a little awkward or even uncomfortable at first. That’s normal! Anytime you make a big shift like this, especially one that goes against what the world tells us is “normal,” it takes some adjustment. But here’s the thing — making this choice is about more than just a momentary decision. It’s about walking in God’s plan for your life, and that’s always the right thing to do.
How To Tell Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend You Want To Be Abstinent?
Relationships require compromise. But when it comes to your decision to save yourself for marriage, it’s not something up for negotiation. This is a personal and spiritual boundary that you have every right to set, and you should never feel guilty or pressured into changing it. Your values and convictions deserve respect just as much as anyone else’s.
This is where speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15) becomes so important. When you bring it up with your boyfriend or girlfriend, do it calmly and with kindness. Be honest about your reasons — whether it’s your faith, your personal beliefs, or your commitment to honoring God’s plan for your life. Make it clear that this isn’t about rejecting them or being difficult; it’s about staying true to what you know is right for you.
Start with a simple yet clear statement like, “I want to save myself for marriage, which means I will no longer be having sex outside of marriage. I understand my decision impacts you, and I would love to share why I’m making this decision and how important it is to me.”
Real love will respect boundaries, even if it’s hard to hear at first. If your partner truly cherishes you, they’ll take the time to understand and support your decision. And if they don’t? That speaks volumes about whether they’re someone who aligns with your values and is truly right for you. Remember, honoring God and staying true to yourself is never the wrong choice.
How To Stop Having Sex in a Relationship and Save Yourself For Marriage
Okay, let’s get into the practical steps it takes to stop having sex and “successfully” remain abstinent until you’re married. Whether you’re currently in a sexually active relationship, dating to meet someone new, or still a virgin, these ideas can help you solidify your decision in your heart and mind, making it easier to remain pure when temptations come.
1. Understand Why You Do It
Take time to reflect on why sex has been part of your life or why you’re feeling tempted if you haven’t yet. Is it loneliness, wanting to feel validated, or just about physical pleasure and connection? It’s totally normal to have a sex drive — God created you with one! But He also designed it to be something special and sacred within marriage. Knowing the deeper reasons behind your actions can help you address them and refocus on God’s plan.
2. Know Your Why and Believe In It
Why do you want to stop having sex? Figure out what’s driving your decision and get firm in your convictions. Is it about honoring God, respecting your future spouse, or valuing your own self-worth? Once you’re clear on your “why,” remind yourself of it often. Being solid in your beliefs will help you stand stronger when temptations arise.
3. Talk to Your Partner
Whether you’re in a serious relationship or casually dating, you have to have an honest conversation about your decision. Be upfront about your reasons and see if they share your values. If they don’t respect your decision or try to convince you otherwise, that’s a sign the relationship might not align with God’s plan for you. And if you don’t share the same faith? That’s worth considering, too, because it may lead to deeper differences later on.
4. Stop Putting Yourself in Compromising Positions
If the junk food isn’t in the cupboard, you won’t eat it, right? We know not to buy sweets when we’re trying to eat healthier because it’s more tempting when it’s right in front of us. In a similar way, when you want to stop having sex before marriage, you’ve got to stop putting yourself in situations that beg for sex. Stop spending time alone in private places that make it easier to fall into old habits. Set boundaries that protect you in moments of weakness, whether that means changing how you spend time together or saying no to situations that could lead to temptation.
5. Find New Ways To Fill the Time and Connect
Sex often fills an emotional or physical space, so find new ways to connect or spend your time. If you’re in a relationship, go for an evening walk to talk and connect emotionally rather than physically. If you’re single and used to hooking up, invite friends over for a movie night or plan fun group activities to keep your time occupied. Replace the void with something meaningful.
6. Focus on Building Your Friendship
Friendship is what sustains a life-long marriage, not sex. Make building that connection your priority, whether you’re in a relationship or meeting someone new. Get to know each other’s personalities, dreams, and quirks. When friendship is the foundation, the relationship is more likely to last. (I can also tell you from personal experience that life is amazing when your spouse is your best friend. It’s one of the most freeing and enjoyable aspects of a relationship.)
7. Tell People Who Will Support and Encourage You
Surround yourself with people who respect your decision and cheer you on. Some will totally get it and back you up. Others may not understand but will still support you. And some won’t support you at all — stick with the ones who do. Having a supportive community makes it a lot easier to stay on track and follow through with your commitment. This might mean stepping back from some friendships and leaning into others. Be willing to make those hard decisions to honor God. Remember, our relationship with Him is the most important; it’s eternal.
From Someone Who’s Been There … I Get It
My husband and I had sex while dating for the first three years of our relationship. When we made the decision to remain abstinent, I had no idea it would be another four years before we got married. While it wasn’t always easy, I can tell you with confidence that it was worth it. I wholeheartedly believe that our relationship would be nowhere near as rich and fulfilling and sweet and loving as it is today had we not stopped connecting physically and started building our friendship. It changed everything.
That’s why I’m so passionate about the topic of saving yourself for marriage — because I know from personal experience what a good decision it is. And that’s why I also make myself available for Christian relationship coaching — because I would love to be in your corner with advice and encouragement for your journey. You’ve got this, and I’m here for you!
